If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.