Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy