“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Best seat on the street 😍
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Feel. He’s so soft.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My favorite farside!!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it