Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
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take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Yup!