@BoomBoomBetty

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

@BoomBoomBetty

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@BoomBoomBetty

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@BoomBoomBetty

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

@BoomBoomBetty

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

@BoomBoomBetty

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@BoomBoomBetty

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]