If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
How I’d get arrested…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Canadian owl: Eh?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.