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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure