@BrassBallsCJ

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@BrassBallsCJ

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

@BrassBallsCJ

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@BrassBallsCJ

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

@BrassBallsCJ

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.