Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.