@Brianhopecomedy

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

@Brianhopecomedy

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

@Brianhopecomedy

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.