We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
You Might Also Like
an octopus is just a wet spider
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Hey i am sexy to you now
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.