@Browtweaten

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

@Browtweaten

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

@Browtweaten

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

@Browtweaten

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

@Browtweaten

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

@Browtweaten

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

@Browtweaten

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

@Browtweaten

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

@Browtweaten

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?