@Browtweaten [placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
@Browtweaten @Browtweaten it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
@Browtweaten a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
@Browtweaten doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
@Browtweaten interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
@Browtweaten cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
@Browtweaten me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
@Browtweaten me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
@Browtweaten me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
@Browtweaten boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?