Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.