doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
lmfao