I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: *mouths I love you*
M: *blows kiss*
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.
No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”