Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Everyone’s family
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!