Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 馃槀
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Nothing to do, you say?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Just why bro?!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
It’s a gift
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 馃槓
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls