@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@CandyEmpires

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

@CandyEmpires

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

@CandyEmpires

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”