Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years