@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

@ChaseMit

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

@ChaseMit

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

@ChaseMit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

@ChaseMit

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@ChaseMit

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.