Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.