When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school