*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.
Especially at night.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.