@ColoradoUgly

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

@ColoradoUgly

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

@ColoradoUgly

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

@ColoradoUgly

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

@ColoradoUgly

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@ColoradoUgly

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

@ColoradoUgly

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

@ColoradoUgly

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

@ColoradoUgly

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.