The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.