@Contwixt

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

@Contwixt

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

@Contwixt

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

@Contwixt

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

@Contwixt

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@Contwixt

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

@Contwixt

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.