@CornOnTheGoblin

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

@CornOnTheGoblin

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

@CornOnTheGoblin

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?