[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city