Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck