Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?