@Cornjerker78

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

@Cornjerker78

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

@Cornjerker78

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

@Cornjerker78

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

@Cornjerker78

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

@Cornjerker78

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

@Cornjerker78

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

@Cornjerker78

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

@Cornjerker78

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?