I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.


Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?


Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!


And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.


If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.


Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.


Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.


Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?


Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…


Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.