@Cornjerker78 Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
@Cornjerker78 Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
@Cornjerker78 When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
@Cornjerker78 Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
@Cornjerker78 It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
@Cornjerker78 Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
@Cornjerker78 Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
@Cornjerker78 Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
@Cornjerker78 Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
@Cornjerker78 Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.