@Cornjerker78

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

@Cornjerker78

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

@Cornjerker78

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

@Cornjerker78

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

@Cornjerker78

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

@Cornjerker78

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

@Cornjerker78

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

@Cornjerker78

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

@Cornjerker78

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

@Cornjerker78

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.