Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*


Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.


Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.


Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.


4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….


In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
Gimme some.


New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know


My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.


If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.


Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.