Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.
Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?
Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.