Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“Wait, let me explain..”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.