@CrockettForReal

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

@CrockettForReal

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

@CrockettForReal

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

@CrockettForReal

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

@CrockettForReal

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

@CrockettForReal

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

@CrockettForReal

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

@CrockettForReal

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

@CrockettForReal

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

@CrockettForReal

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all