@CrockettForReal

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

@CrockettForReal

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

@CrockettForReal

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

@CrockettForReal

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

@CrockettForReal

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

@CrockettForReal

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

@CrockettForReal

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

@CrockettForReal

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

@CrockettForReal

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

@CrockettForReal

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now