My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.
“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.