Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.