@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@CulturedRuffian

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

@CulturedRuffian

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

@CulturedRuffian

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@CulturedRuffian

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?