[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.