That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby