Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”