My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Hero horse inspires millions
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
good work, detective
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Shower sex be like:
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches