@DartsBofficial

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@DartsBofficial

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@DartsBofficial

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

@DartsBofficial

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@DartsBofficial

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.