*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.