Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Accurate
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.