A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”