@Daveastated These are my roll models.
@Daveastated @Daveastated The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
@Daveastated Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
@Daveastated Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
@Daveastated We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
@Daveastated Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
@Daveastated It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
@Daveastated My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
@Daveastated Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
@Daveastated Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.