@Daveastated

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

@Daveastated

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

@Daveastated

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

@Daveastated

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

@Daveastated

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

@Daveastated

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

@Daveastated

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

@Daveastated

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.