stand with me against insufficient seating
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
He-man has a Masters degree
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
These are my roll models.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”