If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
May have had one breakfast too many
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Yup!
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.