Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites. Son: Wow. That’s harsh. M: I think because there’s salt in it. S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you! M: Umm…no…
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am. Me: Why didn’t you ask? S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you. M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!