@DevilryFun

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

@DevilryFun

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

@DevilryFun

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

@DevilryFun

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

@DevilryFun

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

@DevilryFun

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.