My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.