think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You had me at “define legal”.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit