This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes