
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants