@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@DirtMcTurd

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@DirtMcTurd

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

@DirtMcTurd

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@DirtMcTurd

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants